Nine years ago I was asking myself an Ultimate Question.
I was 28 at the time, in a heartless relationship, entering my Saturn Returns, examining my truth and all the things I didn’t want to look at.
I am about to bare my soul to you. For those of you that follow me you deserve a piece of ME.
Many of you form ideas about my personal life and what you think you know about me, but you know nothing about me.
If I am going to take you to the depths I want to take you, I have to start opening myself.
More and more I am realizing that my following needs me to bare it and so here I am, baring one of the most significant experiences of my life.
I hope you are ready.
Take a seat. Open your heart. You might relate.
At 28, I had only been in love once and the rest of the men that came in and out of my life I might have liked for a season or a reason, but there were no lifers in that mix and it bothered me. For someone as deep as I AM, I was living quite the shut off shallow existence, and it was eating me ALIVE.
I am capable of deep love and connection, and yet I found myself in relationship after relationship that didn’t rouse my heart, didn’t challenge my spirit, and left me pretty much dead.
I was NUMB, cut off. Moving through the world like a ghost in a shell.
I had gone to countless therapists to try to understand this disassociation and NO ONE in the Western World understood what I was up against.
I didn’t want to go on meds. I didn’t want to talk about my problems over and over again until I was bleeding my issues out my fucking eyes.
I COULDN’T FEEL AND I KNEW HOW IT HAPPENED, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO REVERSE IT.
Please listen to me now. If you suffer from any kind of disassociation or you feel numb, cut off, like you are living a lie and you are terrified of getting hurt there are answers out there. There are cures, but don’t go crawling up any western doctor’s ass. The Western World only manages symptoms and applies bandaids. You need Eastern Medicine in order to the get to the ROOT of what is happening for you. Don’t even fuck with therapists. That shit could take you a lifetime it’s so inefficient at true healing. Therapists are good at bringing shit to the surface, into awareness, and that’s about it. To go into your shadow you need and look at the depths of everything you are. You need a Shaman or an Acupuncturist. If you want to heal come to me. I know TRUE HEALERS.
At 28, I was living a LIE and I knew it.
As I began to unravel the lie and look at how I was hiding in men in order to not take responsibility for my SELF it was hard for me to look at what I had become.
Who I wanted to be was not who I was. You can have an IDEA of yourself but if who you are doesn’t align with how you behave you are not WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, you are HOW YOU BEHAVE. What is true about you in any given moment is what you attract, how you behave, the repeated issues that come up over and over again, and how much you allow fear to dictate your choices. This shows you WHERE YOU ARE and you can only heal and actually transform if you accept this. You can’t just jump to who you want to be without dealing with what snags you. It sucks, I know.
The only way to HEAL is to get HONEST.
Honesty can be really painful.
Acknowledging things about yourself you don’t want to be true. Really looking into the fire of your own insecurities and inadequacies and HOLDING SPACE instead of RUNNING.
FEAR WAS DREAMING MY LIFE AND I WAS ALLOWING IT. ALL OF IT.
As I sat there in the depth of my despair, examining the fragments of my life I realized that every man I had ever attracted was a piece of a larger puzzle, and that I had never once even thought about what that WHOLE PICTURE looked like.
I used to go for long walks back then and as I walked I began to think about WHO I AM and I began to get curious about THE MAN that would be my match.
Even though I knew I had a lot of personal shadow work to do and that I needed KNOW MYSELF FIRST, I couldn’t help but finally wonder after 28 years of not thinking about this….
WHO WOULD MIRROR ME?
What would he be like?
What would he look like?
What would he reflect?
What could I experience with a man I didn’t have to shrink for, hold back with?!!!!!
What had I been doing my whole life never asking these fucking questions till NOW!!!!!
No sooner had I posed this question on this stroll had I found myself waltzing into a restaurant.
I went into a Sushi restaurant and sat at the bar. I don’t really like tables, I am way more of a bar kind of gal.
Lost in thought and whatever book I was reading I drank my miso soup and green tea. For some strange reason, my eyes left the page, and I glanced up to see the most beautiful man in the world.
I am not joking.
I turned away, not wanting to gape.
I had never been afflicted by such presence. I had to look again.
I glanced back and I couldn’t take my eyes from him.
It wasn’t just his beauty that captivated my attention, I knew him. The more I looked I realized that I knew this man with every fiber of my being, I also realized I was married to him.
But it wasn’t some past life recognition like a lot of spiritual types speak to.
I knew him from the future.
WE HAD NEVER MET BEFORE.
Now hold on…. Doesn’t that sound like lunacy?
Yeah, imagine how I felt.
I am the first person to laugh at Spiritual pick up lines and come ons and here I am smack dab in the center of something that feels fucking cosmic and unordinary.
I am not sure I ever took my eyes off him. I studied his every move, every curve of his face as if etching him into my mind made him real. The was a stillness to his being that reminded me of an absolute truth I knew from other worlds. Myriad feelings swirled and twisted inside of me and I could not, for the life of me, reconcile what was happening.
Was I projecting?
Was he just another fragment?
Did I have any business processing a greater reality when my own reality was a fucking shit show?
All the things you might be thinking I thought.
When I stood to leave everything in my body hurt. As if I was turning my back on my own soul. I knew I knew this man. I remembered his face. I knew things about him there was NO WAY I could know not formerly meeting him. But I didn’t know how?
At that time in my life I didn’t trust myself and so I left, without a word, with the heaviest heart I have ever held.
For someone who had been numb for a long time, I had just been cracked wide open, and I can’t say that I wasn’t asking for it.
I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him. I was with someone else. I had baggage and I thought I was out of my mind.
Then I went to see a Shaman and during this 3 hour session the Shaman turns to me and says, “Kelly, do you know you have the Gift of SIGHT and PROPHECY.”
She nods. “You have the ability to see the future and possible outcomes, and you can SEE reality as IT IS.”
I hadn’t even spoken to her about my encounter with this guy. I was there for me, to understand myself. But there it was, MY GIFT. Something that seemed too wild and spiritual to be true.
Most people talk about past lives, knowing someone from before. But what happens when someone, like me, who can see things that haven’t happened yet meets people I am going to know but don’t know yet? Or how is is possible that I have already lived with him and that I remember? Is any of this possible?”
What the Shaman told me takes me a long time to absorb. I have always SEEN things. I have always KNOWN things. No one had ever told me or put words to what I know I can do and now that she has it resonates. I have always known things that I have never understood, and now I know I am not crazy. Well, at least I am trying to understand that all this fantastical magical stuff is not nuts.
Then I see him again, while out with friends. Our eyes meet. I hadn’t seen his eyes before. As if this man is not beautiful enough his eyes are wild, almost yellow, like a million stars strewn together. When he looks at me I KNOW and I look for the same recognition. Do you know me? Do you remember me the way I remember you?
We don’t speak. I don’t have the courage to speak to him.
A couple weeks later I am out again and a friend who actually knows him and his name mentions him. I am pretty wasted while he is talking to me and he tells me that this man, the one I feel all these feelings about that I don’t even know, has moved.
I cannot fight the wave of pain that washes over my entire being. All the alcohol in me cannot control the onslaught of emotion about to rupture inside of me so I took off running into the night. I run all the way from downtown to my house seven or eight blocks away bawling.
Between tears and drunken bursts my words go something like this, “I don’t understand, how can he be gone. We are supposed to be together.”
You cannot begin to IMAGINE what kind of NUT BAG I felt like.
I mean really, Kelly, since when did you get so New Agey that you actually believe shit like this is real? You’re a fucking tweaker.
Three years pass and I begin to write my first ever Young Adult novel. I have to connect to that feeling. I have to connect to him.
No sooner do I start writing do I venture down to Barnes and Noble to go do research when he passes me walking out of B&N.
The minute I see him I stop and I turn. NO FUCKING WAY.
It can’t be.
I question whether it was him or not.
Then I see him 7 times in two weeks. RANDOMLY.
TELL ME THE UNIVERSE IS NOT DOING THIS? TELL ME FATE IS NOT AT PLAY? TELL ME THAT I AM CRAZY NOW? TELL ME THAT THERE IS NOT MAGIC IN THIS WORLD AND I WILL TELL YOU TO SHOVE YOUR NARROW MINDED BULLSHIT UP YOUR ASS!
One night, while at work, a friend tells me, “Hey, I know where so and so works.”
He’s back in town? He lives here? It just so happens that one of my best friends is sleeping with a guy who works with him.
We do a little investigating. NO girlfriend. I’m single. What are the odds?
I don’t even hesitate. I let him go before and I will not let him go again.
I walk into where he works and I ask him out….
(This is a worthy read…but you’ll have to stay tuned…I can’t tell this story all in one go… and the story is far from over…)
IF YOU CONTINUE TO READ YOU MIGHT JUST BELIEVE IN MAGIC.
LIFE IS AS BIG AS YOU DREAM.
FUCK YES SOUL MATES ARE REAL.