I Forgot How To LIVE

I never intended to become a blogger.

I never knew that the words in my heart would be out there for the whole world to see, judge, or project on to.

I didn’t start writing one day and think I want people to hear my voice and resonate with me.

I wrote to hear my own voice.

I wrote so that the part of me that I don’t always stop long enough to engage or listen to, could finally be heard.

All my life I had been trying to find myself, by running away from myself.

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I knew great pain at a very young age, the kind of pain that I would never wish upon anyone. The pain that I endured caused me to forget how to live. All I could see was pain. All I could feel was numb, until my unconsious mind protected me from my own trauma and allowed me to live two lives.

One became imaginary and one I experienced.

In my imaginary life, I created a world through words that mirrored the kind of life I wished so desparately to live had my fear of pain not stiffled me so much.

In my real life, I struggled between feeling too frightened to live the life I wanted to live, and hiding in the shadows where I felt out of harms way.

I never realized to the depth and degree writing saved my life, until I was much older. I also never realized how much writing prohibited me from fully living until recently.

Funny how life is so paradoxical. The same medium that has now set me free once helped me to avoid feeling my reality.

If I could write I could escape and I was good at escaping.

I didn’t have to live if I could write, I just had to exist.

At a very young age I started writing novels. Through my characters and other worlds, I could escape.

When I got to play creator in my imaginary world that life felt in good hands, but here on earth where I once thought I was at the mercy of something I couldn’t control, I feared the unknown. I didn’t feel like a creator in my normal waking life. I felt small and terrified of the world and what harm could come to me as a result of existing within it.

My parents never taught me I was a creator of not just fantasy but my life.

My life was a nightmare and all I knew was I didn’t want to stay in this world.

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In my twenties I had become so good at escaping I didn’t realize the gravity of what I carried with me, even though I felt it with me like an ever-present shadow.

I was dead. In my real life I wasn’t living.

I had been carrying around the death I had experienced as a child my entire life, and as I grew so did the weight of my own corpse.

The dead get heavy, haven’t you heard?

Things that were good for me like enjoying every experience, moment, connection, encounters—-every step of my life I wasn’t there for. I didn’t want to feel any of it. Feeling good meant it could be taken away and I just wanted to exist somewhere I didn’t have to feel pain.

In giving up my desire to feel pain I cut off my ability to feel pleasure or anything for that matter.

Everything became one big fat void of endless emptiness.

It was as if  the someone else who was playing out the part of my existence dragged that corpse along, while I pondered how to get back to the place before I knew pain.

I was living in a dream world. A world far from harm. A world far from the difficulties and challenges of this existence.

A world where I could create the stakes and the risks, because I alone knew the outcome. I alone knew how to dream.

Every morning I would wake up and I would wonder why I couldn’t be present in my life, why I just wanted to get through it, why the only thing that ever really commanded my presence was writing.

Confounded by the dead weight and the heaviness that I had been carrying around for years, I had no idea how to stop being dead, or stop escaping and start living.

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I HAD FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING.

Mostly, I had forgotten the value of what things meant to me.

Who I was, what I wanted, what I valued were all abstact concepts, none of them lived in reality.

Each one of my characters held a part of me, a part of me I had immortalized so that this world couldn’t ever erase the imprint of my soul.

I scattered the pieces of my being so that no one could find me.

And then I couldn’t find me and that devestation forced me into the greatest hell I have ever known.

I hit rock bottom.

And I stayed there till I was ready to wake up.

I WOKE THE FUCK UP.

Waking up doesn’t mean you have the answers, it just means you are willing to fight for your soul.

I had no idea how to reconcile my fragmentation. I had no idea how to resurrect myself from the dead. I had abandoned my real life and buried my soul in a fictious world.

As I sat there trying to understand how I was going to find my way back I realized the first step was the truth.

I needed to be honest. Brutally honest. This aspect required more awareness than I can tell you.

I began to write down my true feelings, wants, needs, and values. I began to notice when I checked out, or shrunk and instead of judging myself I just got curious about what was pulling my attention.

Everything in life is information. You can choose to react to it, run from it, supress it, or understand it.

I am not here writing this today to tell you I have it all figured out. I am not one of those people trying to sell you 5 ways to be happy, 6 ways to get the life you want, 7 ways to transcend your emotions and live a glorified unattached life.

I am here to acknowledge something I woke up to—- TOO MANY people on this planet are DYING TO LIVE.

LIFE ITSELF HAS BECOME THE MOTHERFUCKING HOLY GRAIL.

You might think you are living, that you’ve got life dialed, but when I see the numbers of people looking for the answers, searching for peace, trying to get their emotional needs met, disillusioned, disheartened by reality, I know that there is something going on that not a lot of you want to talk about or even acknowledge.

You think because you are breathing you are alive and I beg to differ.

I have been breathing my whole life and it wasn’t until I woke up to my own death that I knew that life isn’t just merely existing.

Life isn’t work your ass off to prove you’ve got a brain, so you can SHOW everyone how valuable your intellect is, let money and work control your entire existence so that you can actually be in your emotional experiences or connected to your loved one 1 % percent of the time. Life isn’t thinking you are the person you are going to become someday when you have time or you have the means to be a better human being. Life isn’t the porn experience you will never have.

Life is happening RIGHT NOW and it starts with you and what you want for yourself on all levels in this moment.

Not in the future. Not when you’re perfect. Not tomorrow.

NOW.

Life exists in moments, the moments most of you are so busy you miss. FOREVER exists in moments.

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You might be breathing, but that doesn’t mean you are in your experiences, embodying your life. It doesn’t mean you know who you are, what you want and need or what your real values are.

Your whole life stems from what you really know about yourself, and I don’t mean know as is this is the idea I have of myself, I mean know as in you have thought this out, you are connected to it in real life.

My idea of myself at one point in time existed in my head.

I was living in a fantasy of who I was, having no idea that who I thought I was, and who I actually was wasn’t in real alignment.

I had to stop long enough to sit with a pencil and paper and look at the facts. I had to see it on paper.

Most of my needs were unmet, most of my emotional needs where like a solar system away, most of who I thought I was was not even close to how I acted, and all of my values were mismatched.

You ever look at politics and wonder why the government cannot seem to get its shit together and practice what it preaches?

What our government says it values and what it actually values are two radically different things, cause like me at one point the whole world is living in a fantasy of what you think reality is, while what reality actually is has you living in denial.

Do you know what your real values are? Values aren’t just ideals they are anything that feeds your soul.

Do you actually live in alignment with your values?

Do you put work and money above your family, your children, and your own personal and emotional needs?

Do you even know what your wants and needs are or are you waiting for the world or someone to just drop that all in your lap?

When I was tired of living a lie, when I was tired of avoiding myself, when I was tired of suffering I decided to get honest.

A good friend told me I should blog. And as I sat there wondering how honest I could get if it went public? I saw the potentiality of exploring my real humanity and this path of conscious life out in the open.

What I didn’t know was I was setting myself up to be brutally integrious with myself.

I guess I really needed that.

In order to stop escaping I accidently became a blogger.

Blogging made me accountable to myself and to my readers.

It’s easy to be one of those writers who projects their ego onto their work and gives you false hope as if they have everything figured out. It’s a lot harder to talk about what is really going on and show people your real process.

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Emotions get bypassed in our world all too often in light of this fantasy world everyone thinks is their salvation.

You can only be where you are and avoiding your emotions is a for sure way to not get your needs met and remain stuck.

The fantasy of being something greater than you are so that people will like you more, you’ll get a better job, higher status, or so you won’t have to feel so small is a trap.

It’s okay to feel small. WE ALL FEEL SMALL, even if no one but me is willing to admit it.

When you stop avoiding your emotions and feelings and just acknowledge yourself: LIFE FEELS MORE LIKE A GIFT AND LESS LIKE A CURSE.

Yes, this world is cruel. Yes this world is shrouded in suffering and sometimes it is really hard to find the strength to be in your experiences, but this is your life.

You are a CREATOR. Even if you are small, you have the power to create.

Not just the fantasy, the reality too.

If you want to live the question I have for you is the same question I asked of myself: what do you want to create?

What do you want? It is the most powerful question you will ever ask yourself.

Some people don’t ask themselves what they want for fear they won’t get it. The fear of not having, of hurting will always be there. Just let it be there while you focus on what matters to you.

Maybe no one has ever told you this, maybe no one has ever told you that it is okay to have personal wants, but it is.

Your whole life stems from your needs and your wants. Every time you get triggered or hurt it is because some need is not being met inside of you.

If you want to fully live I encourage you to take a period of time to focus on yourself.

Yes, I know it’s so selfish.

The SELF is very important. If it is neglected distortion occurs.

All these spiritual people try to deny the need and the value of THE SELF, but if you are self-neglected, if you repress your emotions and try to be someone higher than you are nothing in your life works.

Your SELF is important, because you matter. You are the experiencer.

America is the land of self-neglected people trying to bypass their emotional worlds so they can live in a fantasy.

Our obsession with THE WALKING DEAD and zombies is reflective of an aspect of our symbolic reality most of you don’t want to see.

If you don’t want to be the walking dead, self-neglected fantasy creator where you never get what you want I urge you to ask yourself these questions….

1). Do you feel embodied, in your experience?

2). Is what you love and what feeds your soul more valuable than work and money?

3). Do you get your emotional and sexual needs met?

4). Do you feel the same measure of mastery in your emotional life that you do in your intellectual life?

5). Are you open to desire or does it imprison you?

If you answered no to more than two of these questions, take a good long look at your life.

And ask yourself: do you want to remember how to live or are you better off dead?

XO,

Kelly Marceau

Every week I work with individuals to help them remember how to live. Life is the holy grail and if you want to live as you are, and express the depth of your spirit and soul from the inside our and align with your values, but all this stuff is confusing for you reach out to me at kelly@kellymarceau.com.

If you are just looking to feel better or for a quick fix don’t contact me. If you want to realign and connect deeply to your emotional world and your true self then reach out. I am happy to mentor you around this.