Many of you, women, write to me, befuddled by the same questions:
1). Why am I not getting my NEEDS met? Why doesn’t he SEE me? Why doesn’t he VALUE me as much as his personal pursuits and aspirations?
2). Does he want a mommy or a girlfriend?
3). Why doesn’t he take time to explore my body and put his energy into me? Does he even know how to touch a woman?
4). Everything started out wonderful and when reality set in there’s all these issues. He’s not who I thought he was. Why is his idea of himself in conflict with how he behaves?
5). Why can’t he own his shit, take responsibility, or see his part in this?
6). Why do I value self-growth and he doesn’t, or he says he does but it’s all ego based or there’s emotional/spiritual bypassing going on?
7). Why doesn’t he honor me?
8). Why do I see his potential and then get trapped in where he is? It’s like I am having a relationship with two people.
9). Why is it so hard for him to want to do the right thing? Can’t men, just for once, fucking once, WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING WITHOUT US USHERING THEM TOWARD IT?
10). Why am I in my masculine, because he defaults into his feminine? Or why isn’t his masculine activating?
11). Why am I schooling him? I want a man and a partner, not a child I have to parent.
12). What do I do? Is there any hope? Should I just leave his ass? If I stay and show him how much I care, won’t he wake up?
Any of these ring true?
Let me pause for a moment and say out loud, “Sister, you and every other woman on the planet, has asked these questions at one time or another.”
The percentage of the population of women who deal with this shit is so staggering, it’s rare you find a woman who says, “Yeah, my man, he’s so on top of his shit, I don’t want for a thing.”
Maybe in some parrallel reality, but HERE… where men’s behaviors reflect these questions, this reality is fairly universal.
THE QUESTION OF ALL QUESTIONS
While all these questions are paramount to understanding the quandry of men and common themes in men’s issues, the kind of man you attract is a reflection of how well you know, love and value yourself.
A lot of you, women, are in the process of getting to know who you are, what you want, and what you will and won’t compromise. Some of you have no idea what lurks in your unconscious, what you haven’t healed out from your past, and how every man you date is pointing to something you need to wake up to inside yourself.
When a man’s issues arise and you are confronted with how it makes you feel, look beyond what he’s doing and go into what you actually feel about it. If you can talk to him about what you experience and feel received then you can get somewhere. If you can’t talk to him about it then you need to stop attracting men who can’t give you what you need to grow a relationship. It’s that simple, but for the majority of you, you make it so complicated, when really ladies… you don’t need to make relating so hard.
For those of you tired of these questions, the number one question you need to be asking yourself when looking for a partner is: DOES THIS MAN VALUE EMOTIONAL GROWTH?
If a man doesn’t value emotional growth, if he’s never looked at his unconscious mind, and begun to heal his shadow shit, it’s your headache.
Many of you might be thinking, really Kelly, really, that’s the number one question? How the hell can I tell if man values emotional growth when it’s so easy for men to feed me lip service and put his best foot forward, especially in the beginning when everything is hot and new?
Gurl, you are deeply intuitive and YOU CAN TELL.
You’ve sensed it the whole damn time. You just haven’t been listening to your inner masculine. The voice of reason, knowledge and intellect— who is screaming: something is not right, this shit is fucked up, get OUT. Your masculine is the part of you that IS ALWAYS COMMUNICATING YOUR TRUTH TO YOU. But you don’t listen. You’re so afraid of not getting your needs met or giving up what love and attention you have, that you are willing to sell yourself short just for a taste. You’d rather sell yourself short than be alone. You don’t want to feel the pain you have been in your whole life, so you run to him, like he’s the answer, when he’s just the face of your CHILDHOOD wounds.
In addition to not listening to YOUR INNER MASCULINE, you haven’t been listening to your INNER FEMININE either. The emotionally aware aspect of you, who is constantly telling you: you deserve better than this; you are worth more than this. She is the part of you who knows what love is and how YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE IT. She is the part of you that seeks HER VALUE. But you bury her too, because looking at your lack of value in the face means you have to own how you sell yourself short in the name of “LOVE” “ATTENTION” and “AFFECTION.”
No one is going to give you what you deserve if you don’t know your value.
So many of you are too eager to hand yourself over on a silver platter, without truly getting to know these men you fall for.
Your most precious gems: your heart, body and soul.. you give them away thinking bartering your value is the ONLY way to get your needs met. Let me tell you, giving yourself away, and letting go of your self, is the FOR SURE way, to NOT GET WHAT YOU WANT.
The truth is ladies, a lot of you trade in your value for: WHO YOU WANT A GUY TO BE FOR YOU, the minute you get googley-eyed and enamored.
A man’s inabilities, his shortcomings, his issues, and his emotional habits are reflecting who he is inside. His potential is not WHO HE IS. How he acts is WHO HE IS. Men are not who they are on the outside. They’e not always the package you want them to be. They’re who they are on the inside and unless you can look inside, the hoax is on YOU.
The best way to tell who a man is is how he treats you…
If a man treats you less than you deserve, YOU ARE ALLOWING IT, and spending time trying to figure him out, rather than focusing on what you want and need is indicitive of why you are in this debacle in the first place. If you are focused on HIM and not how his behavior makes you feel, and you think that figuring him out will help you get your needs met, you are looking down the wrong path. You can’t figure him out like he’s some science project. When these kinds of questions arise, focus on whether or not this man is actually capable of meeting you and giving you what you want. Sometimes it hurts to see the truth, but you can’t get blood from a rock, and you can’t make someone be someone they don’t want to be for you. A lot of these questions are pointing to who men don’t want to be for you. It’s not that all men are like this, some men are what you want, but the ones you are attracting obviously don’t want to be who you want them to be.
YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE.
If you want the kind of man that you think you deserve, you need to ask yourself this question: DOES THIS MAN VALUE ME AS MUCH AS I WANT TO BE VALUED?
If the answer is no, don’t try to change him, if he doesn’t value emotional growth. Change how you value yourself, instead of waiting for him to miraculously wake up, see the light of day, and suddenly grasp you’re the woman of his dreams.
I know you want to be the exception. I know you want to be the woman who gets him to wake up and change his evil ways, but woman, only an emotionally intelligent man can rise to this occasion. So if you want a man capable of this, find out what you’re dealing with before you nose dive into a fantasy.
WHAT’S GOING ON BENEATH THE SURFACE NEEDS TO BE MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN IMAGE AND SURFACE.
Most of you, women, stop at surface.
Is he good looking? What kind of car does he drive? What does he do for a living? How much money does he have? Is he what I want aesthetically? Is he intelligent? Can he take of care of me? Will he protect me? Will he take me out and treat me right? Will he boost my image? Will he be good in bed? Does he have the same hobbies and interests in me? Can he be my dream man?
While all these surface things are totally valid, they are pointing to something deeper, way deeper that you are looking for.
I’m not denying the importance of surface. For all the hum drum people who get their panties in a wad over the superficiality of surface, to deny or reject the value of surface is denying your humanity. People who bypass their humanity like to reject surface. Surface and what’s beneath are both important, but it’s the direction of the flow that is important.
It is your right to want what you want. And you can own what you want, but make sure that you are coming at it for the right reasons, not from a place of inadequacy and insecurity. Come from a genuine place of desire, seeing this as a true reflection of your worth and value. It’s ok to desire beauty, and nice things. Just not at the cost of substance.
When you are willing to cut yourself short to maintain the image in light of whatever issues are arising there is something fishy going on.
And that smell is going to haunt your ass until you acknowledge the foulness of it’s odor.
The complicatedness of relatedness comes from what’s underneath the surface. The emotional landscape. For most it is a barren wasteland of memory, fears, pain, trauma, and things left unexamined, unhealed. When you are falling for someone’s eyes, the way their mouth moves when they talk, and all the things that create your perfect little fantasy world, and not paying attention to who this person is down under… it is no wonder most women are stupified when they are crying to me, he’s not who I thought he was.
Well, HONEY, I hate to break it to you, but you weren’t really looking beneath the surface in the first place.
If you value surface above substance and the package more than what’s inside then you reap what you sew.
Don’t be so desperate for someone you are willing to turn a blind eye.
Look at what is arising as information for what is truly happening. Don’t pretend what’s happening is not happening and stick your head in the sand.
Above all, you be the authority on how you value yourself, and if you are not getting what you want from a man, and he’s unwilling to grow his being, do yourself a favor and go get what you want. Don’t waste your time with a man who doesn’t value growth. It’s a dead end.
Thinking that a man will love you if you self-sacrifice and show him how much you will let him walk all over you in order for you to get your needs met is just DUMB.
Men want women they respect, and if you don’t respect yourself, if you are willing to have less than what you deserve, well, he’s just playing out the pain in the ass you need to wake the fuck up and choose better.
No one can tell you how to get what you want in life and love.
You have to KNOW and FEEL your own value in order to call those kinds of shots.
So, are you ready? Are you ready to stop putting up with less and risk what you actually feel you deserve?
It’s your choice, sister….
XO, Kelly Marceau
Ladies, if you a struggling with this dilemma, I do mentor around this. I am seeking clients right now who want to own their power. In saying this, this is no small task. You have to be ready. Nothing left to loose. Sick of the bullshit. Ready to level up and flip the script.
If you are interested and you want to talk to me, I have not only lived through this shit, overcome it, I’m in a relationship where I don’t bang my head against a wall asking these questions. It took me being this version of woman to wake up and give myself more. You can have what you want, if you are willing to stop compromising and value yourself more than a man values you.
Email me at email@example.com