Monogamy Is NOT For Amateurs

I have always been a FLIRT.

I LOVE MEN. I LOVE PEOPLE. I LOVE LIFE and EXPERIENCE.

 

072c5b960f1c2e5d84ac36a5acbd9457

While most women in the world are looking for THE ONE or dream of meeting that man they can share an infinite love story with, I am like a woman at a French Bakery who wants a little taste of everything. I don’t just like cupcakes, I like carmel eclairs, chocolate mousse cups, and macaroons too. So, why would I choose just one of anything when I can have a little taste of them all?

In my new Sexy-Consciously Awake Women Relationship Series, I am going to explore all the elements of relationship, beginning with monogamy.

In this post, I will explore the black and white walls of monogamy, the ideal of monogamy and the truth of monogamy.

In part two of the monogamy series, I will explore my nature, human nature and the complexity of love.

In part three of the series, I will explore marriage and divorce.

In part four of the series, I will explore the new paradigm of monogamy and how to stay alive and awake in love.

 THE BLACK AND WHITE WALLS OF MONOGAMY

416a72c31d484570c251bb8847e9b7e9

ONE THING, I have never understood about MONOGAMY is the notion that one person could be everything for you.

It’s seems like a really tall order to think that one person could be your everything.

You all change so much during your life that to think one person could be everything you always want, that you won’t feel differently in ten years, is a little naive. You don’t know who you will be in the future. You only have control over the present. If you think about all your old boyfriends/girlfriends and how stoked you are you didn’t wind up with some of them, it is a damn good thing you have options. It’s a damn good thing that you do change and that you are capable of seeing the light. The depth of my character and being wouldn’t be what it is without the myriad individuals in my life touching and challenging different aspects of me. Having more than one person to reflect and share myself with makes me a more whole person.

Variety is vital to existence. You experience it in every aspect of your life: with your friends, family, food, trips, passions, hobbies, and desires. So why is that when it comes to romance, variety and sharing is a BIG FAT NO NO? Why does it have to be one defined way with one person when the actions of humanity are crying out for something bigger and more open minded than the BLACK and WHITE walls of monogamy?

As a parent you teach your children the value of sharing. You want your children to be well rounded individuals who experience the joy of giving to others. If you didn’t teach your children to share they might all remain savage, little, selfish beasts. It is the nature of humankind of be inherently selfish and to WANT what you WANT for yourself. As an adult you try to balance your selfish impulses with the art of giving and sharing with others, so your aren’t so self-centered. Except for when it comes to ROMANCE. No one, initially, wants to share in LOVE. Once you meet someone who activates your heart, that’s it, the sharing game is over and you revert back to your 3 year old territorial self of mine, mine, mine. Love, in monogamy, is a selfish pursuit. So much so that if anyone else expresses interest or love for the person you love, you are willing to go to battle to defend what you believe is rightfully yours. 

d3d43a5c3c5b7c411ca0ef4328b2dcd6

LISTEN UP… get this through your fear driven skulls… YOU DON’T OWN ANYONE.

NO ONE IS YOURS.

People are on loan, at best, and no one belongs to anyone.

Everyone’s life is their own and the sooner you understand this, the less likely you are to suffocate your love and romance to death.

All this ‘ownership’ in monogamy is turning monogamy into a prison. A prison where your partner is the warden and you are the one behind bars. It’s no wonder a lot of you are terrified of commitment or want out of relationships. I would too if it meant I had to give up the truth of who I am to be what someone else wanted me to be. I don’t sign up for relationship to alter who I am for someone else, just so they can be okay with me. I understand there needs to be guidelines, depending on the kind of relationship you want to have, but the truth is, if you were all honest and operated from a place of integrity, rather than a place of what you think you should be in order to align with monogamous values, your relationship would exist in reality, not this fantasy or ideal of monogamy. Joining forces with another person is about combining energy not checking out and putting the burden of responsibility for all your emotional shit on someone else. Monogamy is meant to be a collaborative effort where together you elevate the two combined energies. Not the other way around!

THE IDEAL OF MONOGAMY

1d8ac7cf2949a428ed2990b51d91200e

MONOGAMY IS A LOVELY IDEAL (two souls who will love each other like the honeymoon phase for all time) BUT IT IS NOT FOR AMATEURS or those of you who need someone to be something for you. Many of you get into monogamy floating on a dream, having no idea that the dream will not continue to dream itself unless you show up and take responsibility for what you want. The second that your love is activated you think you have it all. You think the gift will just keep on giving and that the only role you have to play is to enjoy yourself.  This is so far from the truth and one of the BIGGEST reasons a lot of you get blind sided in love. Love just came to you and now that you have it, it must be yours. It’s like some magical gift you want to hold on to, but then time, reality and life corrode that precious love and before you know it, it’s like a distant star in sky of your memory and you have no idea how to reach it anymore. Love is the most precious commodity on the planet. You have no idea when it will strike and you have no idea how to hold on to that shooting star once it’s pierced your heart.

Love is like any other gift or dream on the planet. It manifests to show ourselves the potential of what and who we are inside, and what we are capable of creating with another. But like any gift it requires presence and participation in order to prosper. Love and our dream of monogamy is a snapshot into a greater reality we all long to have manifest in an ultimate form. But it is not a complete picture. All of you want love to be a constant, but the reality is most of you have no idea how make love a constant force in your lives. Right now, you are at the mercy of love and when it wants to show up and you have no control. Doesn’t that bother you? Doesn’t the fact that you have a gift you don’t understand how to wield make you hungry to do something about it?

Monogamy doesn’t work itself and neither does LOVE.

Instead of turning your whole being to the one feeling that makes you feel whole, you do other shit, stupid shit that makes you miserable, that breaks your heart and that doesn’t fulfill you. If you seek love as an ultimate constant, like monogamy promises, then what are you doing dabbling in other things that don’t direct you toward the very thing that you want? If all of you turned your whole being toward that which you love and dream, and stopped messing with the shit that doesn’t serve you or doesn’t bring you out of your shell into full engagement of life and love, well then… there is your answer.

THE TRUTH OF MONOGAMY

TRUE MONOGAMY is the sacred union of two souls whose love lifts them beyond their personal limitations. It is one of the most precious union there is and that is why you all want it. Deep down you all search for transcendence and non-separateness. All of you are trying to become whole and discover yourselves through the mirror of others. Yet, what you don’t realize is monogamy is not a playground for training wheels or a license to go unconscious. Monogamy requires devotion and commitment of the highest levels and most of you, whether you want to admit it or not, are not even remotely close to actualizing that BIG OF A DREAM. If you want to experience true monogamy you’d better be ALL IN. There is no one foot in and one foot out in monogamy or else it falls to ruin, and that is why so many monogamous relationships die out. Most monogamous relationships are built on a cloud and once you awaken to this you fall straight through.

ca764f427b72aea39b8b704312344965

You can have what you seek in monogamy but you have to show up and know the stakes. Most you want all the benefits of monogamy with none of the accountability and some of you want to be monogamous but have no idea how to pursue a dream.

You cannot get into monogamy to hide out from yourself in someone else, or to dump all the shit you don’t want to look at on someone else. Monogamy is an opportunity to dive deep into your own soul and the soul of another’s. Most of you like it when love is working it’s magic for you, but the second that you have to take the reigns and move from unconscious creator to conscious creator and you actually have to own your love and create it yourself—-YOU ARE OUT. You’re out looking for that easy peasy love that does all the work for you, blind to the reality that part of the benefit of love is teaching yourself how to create it and maintain it for yourself and those whom you love. You don’t deserve any dream you are not willing to go after with everything you’ve got. And everything you’ve got doesn’t look like doing what is easy or natural. It is standing in the fire of what you want on a daily basis and approaching it with the same level of awe and amazement you hold for any ideal. It’s putting yourself out there to go get what you want.

The REAL truth, is that no one, (and I mean NO ONE), talks about what monogamy Really is. And what it IS, my friends, is the fertile playing ground for…gardening.  For digging in the earth, along with the compost, the worms, the prima materia of oneself.  It is saying that you are willing to go beyond a few years of fun to the absolute depth of your deepest, darkest corners.  It is the work of the shadow and all that you resist and hide from yourself.  It is saying YES to being willing to shine the magnifying glass on all of your worst faults and qualities, while you hold space for your partner to do the same.  Not in order to beat yourself up so that you can prove you are unworthy.  But so you can heal and transform yourself so that you are able to say yes to True, unconditional love that Serves, rather than to be mothered, comforted, and lulled back to sleep.  It is to say “I DO” to the entire mythic journey of waking yourself up while you are held by someone else who understands that you are excavating yourself from the ashes.  And from the shit, the flowers do grow…

If you value MONOGAMY and you want that love story, the one that will take you through the years and bring you deeper into another person, you’d better look at the stakes and be ready to pursue that dream with your whole being. MONOGAMY IS NO JOKE. You need to be awake. You need to be ready to engage yourself and your partner consciously EVERY DAY. You need to look at your relationship the same way you would your dream job. The world is not trying to be mean to you. I am not trying to be mean to you. I am telling you the stakes so that the part of you that has gone on autopilot in most of your relationships WAKES UP! You need to play an active role in your life on a daily basis. There is no laziness in love or in the pursuit of a dream. If love dies then that’s on YOU.

Monogamy is the NFL of relationships.

You either bring all you got and it works for the team or you will get cut. I’m sorry, but you want a black and white relationship you’d better be know what you are signing up for.

XO, 

image

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kelly- Good Morning! You didn’t like my comments? My feelings are hurt. Did I say something wrong or hurtful? I simply meant to say that you have amazing thoughts! Relationships are hard and difficult. I try to be patient, understanding, and honest, and it seems like you have the same ideas.
I really love your work.
Grant

Grant, I actually just saw all of your comments. I have been swamped. Can you FB friend me? I would love to connect with you personally.

Seriously – you have the best blog & articles ever. Straight-forward, no cutting corners, in your face. True therapy! Keep writing.. I’m on the search for more & more of your writings!

xx

In this age the best relationships revolve around growth of consciousness, and the ability to create a sustainable economy together where each others energies contribute to each other dreams, both individually and collectively.

This could be significantly more important than the basic principles of monogamy as the have been so far: for security and biological reproduction. However whats the point if your economy doesnt work and you cant grow as an individual becoming the fully developed human being one deserves?

Marriage can pretty much limit people, create dependency, and turn a natural flow and freedom into constriction stopping us becoming who we are meant to be.

Everything is energy.

We are only just beginning to understand what we are made of: energy. What does that mean for relationships? What does that mean when the stars align and moons reverse?

We know that on an elemental level we are both charged, inspired and also at opposing poles with certain energies in individuals, and this changes as the constellations take their cycle.

Everything is change, and whilst we know people are destined to meet, and be, there is very little we know about what is optimal for our soul growth, energy development: as spiritual beings having a human experience, and its role for being able to bring out the best in each other on every level.

Dedication to a relationship is like dedication to an art, or a profession. Marriage is a statement that, I can work with this person, this is going to make me better, and I am going to master this art, which is ultimately mastering the self.

I agree. being in a committed monogamous relationship is kind of a big deal you really have to show up! I am fortunate to see this dynamic in my family, with my parents, my sister, and gosh even my brother have amazing monogamous LTR’s. But out the world seeing one is rare, like seeing a unicorn! I love the heart and soul of this article. Thank you Kelly and the new site is gorgeous! Xoxo