Why Needy and Desparate Don’t MIX With ROMANCE

EVERYONE GETS INSECURE!

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But not everyone gets insecure in the same way.

Even the best of you get ransacked once in awhile and when it happens it’s such a challenge to realize that you could ever be so fragile.

Insecurity strikes when you doubt yourself, your worth, or your ability.

It happens when you stop being the visionary of your own soul.

Some of you have momentary blips and bounce back, while others of you get railroaded again and again.

No one is perfect, or ever 100% strong. It’s ok to get insecure.

Insecurity is just showing you what you are afraid of.

Fears are natural, but they are meant to be dealt with not swept under the rug or run from.

How you go about reacting to your insecurities shapes you and it tells people a lot about where you are emotionally.

IMPRESSIONS AND HOW YOU PRESENT YOURSELF MATTERS.

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If it didn’t, you wouldn’t care so much and you definitely wouldn’t be so insecure.

Right now, you might just be ignorant and unaware of how you react and why, so let’s get you connected to your reactions, shall we?

Your reactions reflect your emotional maturity, and the great thing about emotional maturity is YOU CAN GROW YOURSELF.

SO, no matter where you are on the desperate/needy scale, YOU CAN CHANGE.

If you obsess, do stupid shit, and fly off the handle when your emotions are tested you’d better listen up.

When you like someone do you do this:

1). Check your phone every two seconds.

2). Feel in limbo, like no matter how much someone comes forward it’s never enough.

3). Wonder when you’re going to get the consistency you want?

4). Obsess over the last two things he/she said.

5). Think about the person so much you cannot get on with your life.

6). Want to be in constant contact.

7). Need constant reassurance.

8). Move too fast, too soon, with no filter and no sense of patience.

9). Call too much, or text too much or explain yourself over and over again just to get it right.

10). Get blotto and say a bunch of stupid insecure shit you later regret.

11). Smother the connection or the feelings. As soon as they rise you want to pounce on them, so they don’t go anywhere, especially to anyone else.

12). Allow someone to take you so far out of your own life that they become the only thing you see.

13). Stalk them on every social media current like you have no life.

Just writing that HURT.

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Makes me wanna vomit.

If you have or you act like any of these 13 or some that I have forgotten, you need to take a serious step back when it comes to ROMANCE.

Romance is a flame that needs oxygen to fuel the fire.

When you act desparate or needy it’s a wet blanket or towel on your fire.

NEEDINESS and DESPARATION are deficits that exist within YOU and they must be properly addressed or else you will mute every spark that ignites.

This post was prompted by a guy friend who called me two nights ago to talk to me about his latest and greatest debcal.

As I sat there listening to him unravel his own bullshit I shouted: STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT HER.

I see this all the time. When you are desparate and needy it is always about the other person. YOU MAKE IT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON when the truth is YOUR FEELINGS ARE ABOUT YOU.

What you feel for ANYONE is always about YOU. Yes, it is about them as well, but when you don’t take ownership of your feelings and you place all the power of your affection in the palm of someone else’s hands, you GIVE AWAY YOUR POWER and that isn’t LOVE or anything remotely healthy.

Giving your power away is making someone else responsible for you and your feelings.

You do this when you don’t know how to be what you need for yourself and that is the root of needy, desparate types.

THEY DON’T KNOW THEIR OWN WORTH AND THEY NEED/WANT/DESPARTELY FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO REFLECT WHAT’S MISSING.

It’s fucked up.

Yeah, I said it.

So much of how you relate in love is messed up until you WAKE UP and TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOURSELF.

I am not trying to be a bitch here, but if you don’t know that you deflect responsibility in romance you are going to get it NOW.

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Listen people, LOVE doesn’t have to be scary.

It is ONLY scary if you make it scary.

YOU CANNOT LOSE ANYONE YOU ARE MEANT TO SHARE A LASTING CONNECTION WITH.

Think about that.

When it’s TRUE and REAL it goes in both directions.

If it’s not, THERE’S YOUR FRIGGIN ANSWER.

It’s not complex; it’s not difficult. You not accepting the TRUTH is what makes you SUFFER and go CRAZY acting like a cuckoo bird.

If you go into romance worrying about if someone will return the feelings or like you as much as you like them you are getting involved for all the wrong reasons.

When you are whole, when you know your worth, when you are taking responsibility for yourself you ONLY want those that GET IT.

You don’t go bananas over people you spend 24/7 worrying about when you are WHOLE.

If anything, worrying and fear should be the greatest indication that SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG WITH HOW YOU CONNECT AND YOUR WORRY ABOUT NOT GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET.

LOVE and CONNECTION are exchanges of energy and truth.

YOUR BEST GUIDE IN ANY ROMANCE IS YOUR TRUTH.

Not someone else’s. YOURS.

What someone else is experiencing or feeling YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.

You only have control over YOU.

It sucks when someone doesn’t return the feelings, but instead of just seeing that for what it is, you go NUTS. You want to control everyone and everything and life and love doesn’t work like this.

YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR TRUTH OUT THERE and SEE who responds to what you have.

NATURALLY. ORGANICALLY. NOT FORCED. NOT FREAKED.

If your connections create a shit ton of stress and worry in you, you are not being honest.

STRESS. WORRY. NEEDY. DESPARTE. ALL OF THESE ARE FEAR BASED EMOTIONS.

WHAT YOU GOT SOMEONE WANTS.

You have to know this in the depths of your soul or you have nothing authentic to present to someone.

If you don’t know this then how in the world do you think someone else will?

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ONE PERSON IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

THEY ARE ONE PERSON AND TO THINK THAT ONE PERSON HOLDS THE KEYS TO YOUR ULTIMATE HAPPINESS IS RIDICULOUS AND SHORT-SIDED.

There are billions of people on this planet, and you what you put it out to the world is what you’ll get back.

YOU HOLD THE KEYS TO YOU, NO ONE ELSE.

Do you know that?

Once you awaken to this truth you won’t be needy. Trust me.

The next time you even think about being needy or desparate in romance I want you to do a couple things:

1). STEP AWAY FROM TECHNOLOGY

Don’t even think about writing that text. Don’t even think about facebook stalking. Don’t even think about distracting yourself from dealing with what’s right in front of you. YOUR ISSUES.

Instead get out a piece of old fashioned paper and a pencil or pen and start writing down all your fears. Start getting connected to your feelings and watching what’s really going on inside of you. You are trying to transfer all your insecurities on to another person so you don’t have to acknowledge how small you feel, but until you acknowledge that part of you that is scared shitless and in a constant state of panic you won’t deal with the CORE ISSUE that is infultrating every aspect of your relating emotionally.

2). CREATE SPACIOUSNESS

If you have the major hots for someone and they are not coming forward in the way you want, you have two options:

1). KEEP GOING (Until you find someone that does) or

2). GIVE IT TIME (Time and space are not overrated. Suffocating someone to death is overrated and unattractive).

Not everything happens instantly. Humans are not robots, they have a ton of shit going on and sometimes it’s not linear. Sometimes TIME is the exact thing that someone needs to bring a conneciton to fruition.

I know that your point and click culture is so fucking fancy, but JESUS CHRIST when it comes to real life people, back the fuck off.

Give people breathing room. Give the person you like the chance to meet you halfway or to come toward you. If you are the one constantly pushing, pushing, pressing, pressing, you will press that person right the fuck out of your life.

When you are scared and desparate you have a tendancy to suffocate.

Your fear suffocates and it’s just gross.

All you can control is your feelings. If you like someone or want them stand in that truth and if they come around or if they want you back they will show up. If they don’t, DON’T be a crazy person and leave notes, and emails, and texts, and all sorts of shit that just makes someone feel overwhelmed.

It is okay to be romantic, but choose one thing, do it well and back off. GIVE IT BREATHING ROOM.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE CARED FOR.

YOU DON’T NEED CONSTANT REASSURANCE, YOU NEED TO FEEL IT. ON YOUR OWN, WITHOUT SOMEONE HAMMERING IT INTO YOU.

3). TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF

Your life is a reflection of your inner life, of your relationship with YOU.

No one likes desparate. No one likes needy, so if you are a crazy desparate needy person, you need to check yourself.

Filling HOLES, using ROMANCE to hide out from your insecurities and how unworthy you feel doesn’t work. Romance brings all your shit to the surface and so if you are seeing a lot of shit, you need to take a long strong look at your relationship with yourself.

Romance cannot proposer where there is deficit.

So if you have an internal deficit, you need to heal your wounds and your insecurities.

You cannot lose what is yours. You cannot send someone packing who feels you internally. You don’t have to prove yourself. At some point those that connect to you will feel you and see through the bullshit and you need someone in your life who sees you beyond all your shit.

That is CONNECTION. That is TRUTH.

You cannot lose those that AUTHENTICALLY CONNECT TO YOUR BEING.

So if you are not getting what you want you need to take a look at your connection to yourself, because that is where it all starts.

XO, Kelly Marceau

 

P.S. If you don’t know where to begin when it comes to your relationship to yourself, message me.

I can work with you to help you understand what you need.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SO GOOOD! Straight the fuck up. Love every single bit of it. ALL women need to read your blog. We think alike, you and I! Thank you for hammering this out in words. 🙂 XO

This is definitely true, before we can really make progress in our relationships, wounds often need to be healed.

It can often be difficult to really hit on what we are afraid of. If you have never had any experience doing this, or have tried alone and are having difficulty, it can often help to take to someone who can hold compassionate space for you while you take a look at the fear and the pain.

If there has been abuse or trauma, you may want to talk to a specialist in that field to help work with you as you heal.

Also sometimes it seems like we’ve gotten stuff cleared and it pops back up again. That’s ok. Sometimes our wounds are so deep and complex that it takes a bit of time to heal them. Remember that there are no steps backward.

It takes great courage for anyone to do deep reflective work like this so be compassionate with yourself as you do this.

Opening up with your partner about your insecurities can help establish trust and remove some of the shame that might be associated with feeling a certain way. Your partner will also be aware of these and this can help them be conscious of things that might trigger you.

A loving partner should be willing to see you and whatever issues you are working on and hold space for you to do your work. They cannot heal the issues for you, but having someone witness your triumphs can bring you closer to your loved one.

This post of yours has been the exclamation mark on an incredibly difficult process of realization in my life, over the last year. I am beginning to see the road ahead. And, although I’ve been aware of them for a while, the way you’ve expressed these insights has helped to finally bring eyesight to the blind, speech to the dumb, and sweet music to the deaf.

I just simply thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much for your work, Kelly. I can definitely see my own reflection in your article.

How do I become what I need for myself? Where do I begin? I would really love your insight.. wish there was a way to message you.

Awesome, right on. FYI #3 insecurities is spelled inseucrities.
Whatev- great GREAT insight. Thank you.

Kelly, Thank you. Your words of wisdom are inspiring and helpful. I just found this site today and boy, I really needed THIS! I feel so alone sometimes and shameful about feeling alone. As a guy, your words are true for us too. I look forward to reading your past posts and am excited to see what more you have in your soul.

Grant

This is golden. I’ll have to break out the old fashioned pen and paper and write down what fears are sabotaging me. Great work!