You might be wondering, “What is a “Shadow Man?”
A shadow man is an unconscious or semi-aware man who has not fully awakened to the dark side of his personality.
The dark side of his personality is his shadow-self.
It is the part of him that embodies and expresses the insane, warped side of masculinity.
A shadow man is a man who is trapped in a wounded boy’s psyche. When a boy is wounded he splits and the part of him that is wounded becomes shadow. If the boy grows up and is not initiated into manhood and taught to see his shadow he becomes a man physically, but inside he is still a wounded boy, hence a Shadow Man. He appears to be a man but is locked into the shadow of his wounded boy.
You might meet men who say they know they have a shadow because they heard about it, read about it, or took a psych class, but that doesn’t mean squat.
Knowing the shadow exists doesn’t mean he’s confronted it or begun to awaken to how his shadow controls aspects of his life. It’s like saying you know that Australia exists, even though you’ve never been.
In light of the one year anniversary of the post: Sexy Conscious Awake Women: Who We Are and Want and Need From Men, and the release of sexyconsciousawake.com in January, it’s time to revisit the SHADOW side of Men and Masculinity. Just to be clear—-all humans have a shadow-self, but today I want to talk about men. I started talking about this topic a year ago and since then my understanding of unconscious men trapped in Peter Pan Syndrome and Boy Psychology has expanded greatly. This article takes my original viral article to the next level.
While there are similiarities between women and men, and many of you are insistent that most of what can be said for men is the same for women, there are also differences. Those differences are significant, and we cannot pretend they are not. No matter how much our world tries to eradicate gender and make men and women the same, we do ourselves a grave disservice by not acknowledging reality as it is, and not understanding our differences and diversity with consciousness instead of fear.
As a Sexy Conscious Awake Woman who used to be attracted to shadow men, I empathize with many women who haven’t awoken to or who are still waking up in their unconscious relationships. Most of you are not conscious in relationship until you are taught how to be. For many of you it takes years and a lot of life experience to see behaviors for what they are. I write about controversial topics so that awareness around issues that plague most of our world can be brought into the light. By bringing what is in the shadow into the light, greater awareness emerges. And awareness has never harmed people the way unawareness does. Some of what I am about to illuminate will hurt some to read. You might see yourself in it and get triggerered. If you are triggered, that’s SHADOW. This is not meant to make you feel like crap, this is meant to help you realize that many of you are innocently ignorant of things you were not taught.
YOU DON’T KNOW UNTIL YOU KNOW.
Shadow Men NEED to be brought into the LIGHT.
The only way that shadow men can be called into the light and invited into higher levels of consciousness is for YOU to see the signs and know the signs, and wake up yourself. This post is not an invitation to beat these men down. It is an invitation for you to see the shadow for what it is, so you can choose to become more conscious and awake human beings in your own lives and relationships.
THE CHARACTERISTICS OF SHADOW MEN
Let’s make one thing crystal clear about shadow men, there are layers of unconsciousness, just like there are layers of consciousness. Some men are owned by their shadow, completely unaware, while others are not as shadowed, but parts of them are. The men who are semi-conscious are the scariest for they can seem aware but their behavior says otherwise. The characterisitcs below are of the most common of shadow men. I’ve left the deeply severe aspects of shadow men out, because characteristics of those men are just obvious. For example: wife beater, blantant abuser…
1). His idea of himself and how he acts is not the same. He thinks he listens but he doesn’t. He thinks he’s doing things for the right reasons, but he’s not.
2). He doesn’t think that anything he does is that bad. Even if you try to tell him the severity of how you feel about his actions he can only see his idea of himself (which is never that bad). His mentality is that of a child. When you express something you are upset about he can’t just look at the aspect you are referring to, he makes it a complete picture as if you are telling him everything about him is bad, when you are just trying to get him to acknowledge the specific encounter, experience, behavior, etc. When you express your experience he is incapable of understanding your experience of him. He can only see himself subjectively, from his viewpoint of himself. He cannot see himself objectively.
3). He changes faces and personalities. He vacillates between semi-consciousness and unconsciousness. One minute he is baring his soul, the next it’s like he’s a completely different person and you feel like you are having a conversation with someone who has a multiple personality disorder.
4). He has an addictive personality. Whether it’s booze, porn, drugs, gambling, or women. The hole in him is so big he can’t seem to fill it. You don’t seem to be enough. Nothing really is enough.
5). He is entitled. He thinks you owe him or his parents owe him, or that world owes him. He thinks that you should take care of him monetarily.
6). He takes advantage of you. He takes more than he gives. He only gives to gain. He says what you want to hear, but his agenda is always self-involved.
7). His masculine is fractured. He reacts like a child. He wants you to take care of him like a dependent. He doesn’t really put energy into you. He’d rather receive.
8). He doesn’t take responsbility. He does not own what is his, because he doesn’t even know it’s his to own, that is how disconnected he is from his ability to view himself objectively. He has no desire to see things as they are. He doesn’t see the value in growing himself. He’s perfectly fine the way he is, even if he is not and you know he is not.
9). He has bad boundaries. He has control issues. He reads into things even when you have created a boundary. He is more concerned with his needs than your boundaries.
10). He doesn’t show up or keep his word. Or he shows up some of the time but he’s not consistent. You cannot trust him. He makes excuses. He lives off excuses.
11.) He is not clear about his role as a man. You don’t feel safe or protected. You feel burdened or he’s a liability.
12). He’s manipulative. He lies. He does things just to ‘test you.’ Which means he is severely insecure and does not trust himself or anyone.
13). He severely projects and can’t own it. He cannot receive feedback and turns things around on you when you honestly know it’s not about you. It’s definitely about him.
HOW SHADOW MEN CAME INTO BEING
Shadow men are a phenomenon plaguing our culture.
While the world is dying for the mature masculine in men, a memory of something lost or something yet to be actualized, there is a crisis of both healthy masculinity and feminity in most men. This is not an attack, this is a fact. If you feel attacked, that’s shadow.
Most men do not have good role models. Whether you feel plagued by this directly or not, this phenomenon of shadow and immature masculine and feminine has been shaping our men, women, and children since the time The Enlightment Era or The Age of Reason. During the Enlightenment Era the value of ritual and rite of passage, especially for boys, became lost. This rite of passage helped boys die to their boy-self so the mature masculine could emerge. If a boy does not die to his boy-self and rise to the responsbility and calling of his mature masculine with guidance of wise men, he remains trapped in a boy’s psyche and he becomes emotionally and mentally stunted. He is then swallowed in shadow.
Boys were once, and still are in indigenous cultures, initiated into manhood by wise men and elders. Male leaders taught young boys how to lead and showed them the way, and when that stopped boy’s were left to themselves to wander through their adolescence leaderless and unguided. How ironic, wouldn’t you say that The Enlightment Era spawned a world of disconnection from mature masculine by ommitting the sacred ritual necessary for inititating boys into men? Some Enlightenment that was…
Without guidance, without training these man-boys stay in the shadow of a bitter boy mind who was robbed of his birthright. Men biologically need to be led, so they can lead. Robbing men or boys of this manifests insanity, neglect and abuse. For the victim becomes the victimizer and the abandoned boy projects his own experience of neglect onto the world.
This projection—-the insane/shadow masculinity in our world is threatened by the mature masculine, like the dysfunctional ego is threatened by an awake consciousness.
DATING OR RELATIONSHIPS WITH SHADOW MEN
A lof of you women are dating guys like this. You are repeatedly attracted to shadow men and you don’t know why. With so many shadow men roaming the earth, it’s very hard to find men who are conscious and awake, and who understand what it means to journey through the dark night of the soul necessary to transform unconsciousness to consciousness.
A lot of you, women, are aware and intuitive enough to see there’s something amiss. You want to fix men like this. You think that if you get him to ‘see the light’ he will wake up and you will finally get your needs met and everything will be right as rain.
The truth is, most unconscious/shadow men have no idea they are unconscious. They know nothing is amiss about them.
When you try to convey your experience of him to him you might as well be speaking a foreign language to him honey, cause he has no idea that the idea he has of himself is not who he really is…
But YOU DO.
You see the discrepancy in his personality and you want him to change. You want him to become the good guy he is some of the time all of the time, but he is unwilling and you think if you fight hard enough reason or love will get him to take action and he will eventually wake up.
In a relationship with a shadow man it is very difficult to be heard, received, or establish trust. How can you trust a man who’s personality is dominated and controlled by his shadow self? How can you have a mature relationship with a man ruled by his boy-psyche? One minute he seems to be everything you want, the next he’s impossible to have a conversation with. You can only go so far. Men like this are alluring to many women. Women love the boy spirit, expect for when they need men to act like men. These boy-men are camelions and a lot of women do not see passed the image of self they project. Shadow men project an image of self that mirrors their potential, but the image is just a hologram of the real (a part of himself he has limited accesss to). You buy into the hologram. You make that part of him you think is him, everything, and you are flabbergrasted when you are smacked upside the face when his shadow shows up and steals your beloved away, and he becomes a person you don’t recognize.
While you are right, he needs to wake up, so do you. You might not have his exact issues but the fact that you are choosing shadow men means you are not fully conscious of your own shadow. Your shadow may not look like his, but what I find with women attracted to shadow men is they do not know their own value or worth, and that can be a tough pill to swallow, especially when you think you have a good sense of self and then you find yourself in Selena Gomez’s shoes. You think you know him, you think he’d never do anything to hurt you or disrespect you, but he does, repeatedly, and your heart is trapped in dysfunction with a hologram of someone who doesn’t really exist the way you thought. His shadow runs the show, darling, and I know you had no idea….
That DENIAL you’re experiencing is your lesson and you need to wake up to the facts right in front of your face. Lack of self-love and respect is a rude awakening until you embody it completely. This is especially true for those of you so busy focusing on his problems you can’t even see that his problems are there so you can see yours. Your wisdom of self-love must be bigger than any illusion. And oh, how you women love to get caught up in illusions until you wake up and realize it’s much wiser and fulfilling to find the real deal.
CAN SHADOW MEN BECOME CONSCIOUS?
The short answer is yes, if he wants to.
If he doesn’t want to, you cannot make him value what you value. He cannot grow himself for you, he has to chose to grow for himself.
Unless a shadow man is capable of self-reflecting and seeing the discrepancy in his personality he has no desire to become conscious. And you cannot make him see what he will not see. If his shadow owns him, that is who he really is, not who you think you see and feel in those tender moments that rarely last.
Glimpses into a soul or some potentiality is not reality. It’s not a whole picture.
“You cannot have a relationship based upon who someone will become or who you thought someone was if they aren’t that way now,” to quote a friend and reknowned dating coach, Evan Marc Katz.
And so many women do this. You make that potential everything, when it’s not everything; it’s barely anything. Scraps mostly.
A lot of you women get so duped by the connection or the allure of the elusive man or the man behind the shadows. You think he’s OZ.
Now that I am on the other side, this connection is so dumb. I am sorry, I do not mean to hurt your feelings but sister, as someone who has fallen for this trap, you have got to learn to see a shadow man for who he is, not who you fantasize he can be. You cannot get blood from a rock or turn a toad into a prince. Until you can turn water into wine you are better off not trying to preform alchemy on the minds of shadow men.
I know you want to be the exception, but dayum you give away your power when you put the source of your dream in someone else’s hands!
SHADOW MEN ARE NOT WHO THEY CAN BE, they are HOW THEY ACT.
I have seen too many women twist their mind in knots over ‘the connection and chemistry’ they feel with shadow men. The connection becomes bigger than the reality right in front of your face. You don’t not want to be with a man who doesn’t give you what you need. You don’t want to be with a man who is dreamy half the time and an ego driven under lord the other half of the time. IT SUCKS.
SHADOW MEN DON’T WANT WHAT YOU WANT, they are terrified of it. And the sooner you understand this the freer and SANER you will be.
You want a man who values the path of the mature masculine. He’s the only kind of man who wants the same things you do.
These men do exist, but you “need to either be willing to date more men, and not stop until you find the kind of guy you really want” Evan Marc Katz, or you need to learn to see shadow men for who they are even if you feel a strong ‘connection’ to these types of men.
Don’t sell yourself to an illusion or a shadow, find the real deal.
If you need help breaking this pattern, talk to me (scroll down below for mentorship or coaching). I know the right guides.
XOXOXOXOXO, Kelly Marceau
May 2015 rip open your hearts and burst your consciousnesses into light.
I dedicate this post to Selena Gomez (I’ve been in your shoes girl and I heard your cries in your song) and to women like her who find their hearts bleeding for shadow men. I also dedicate this to the shadow men aware enough and brave enough to call a spade a spade and chose more for themselves.
Mentorship and Coaches for shadow men or women trapped in shadow relationships.
If you are in a relationship with a man that you think would be open to becoming more conscious, I know the right men to guide him on his journey.
Men who want to confront their shadow need conscious men to help them and let me tell you half the men out there trying to grow men are not the kind of men who should be growing our men. For the last year I have been looking for conscious men who can guide men, who I trust to help men become conscious men. And my two favorite leaders, guides, coaches, and badass MEN are Bryan Reeves and Mark Groves. I am sure I will meet others in the next year, but right now, these are the only two men I trust to guide men.
Beware of the coaches out there that talk non-stop about themselves and their lives, and only want to shovel all they know at you, rather than listen to you. Be very careful of the coaches and guides you choose. If you want to find guides who do this work because they care about helping you and not feeding their glorified god complex, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I only work with people who’s values align with the greater good.
If you ladies find yourself drawn to shadow men and want to end the cycle of dissapointment you can contact me for mentorship at email@example.com.
I’m skilled in this particular arena and am open to seeing clients right now. I will only work with you if you are ready to awaken and if I can seriously help you. If I can’t, or I am not the right fit for you, I will lead you to other fabulous people.
For dating, my friend Evan Marc Katz is a badass, ridiculously smart dating coach. He coaches women mostly, for now, but he rocks for the ladies stuck in dating/relationship hell.
P.S. In January I am launching sexyconsciousawake.com. Sexy Conscious Awake will be a platform for sexy, conscious, awake women and men who have something to say and aren’t afraid to let it rip. Unlike other ‘spiritual’ platforms I am not interested in just ultimate reality. I am interested in reality as it is, and the layers of consciousness that can help others at any stage of consciousness grow and choose to evolve. If we can meet people where they are instead of making conscious life feel like a lifetime away we can empower people to make better choices and get the lives they seek, right now. Consciousness is a ladder and it’s not one dimensional. It’s multidimensional. If you would like to be a contributor or have ideas you want to share with others or just want to talk to me, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I look forward to hearing from you.