Have you ever had an instance where you know something that you don’t fully know, but you know you know it?
It sounds nonsensical right?
How can you possibly know something you don’t know?
This feeling can be so weird.
You get bits and pieces of information, kind of like a lost dream you remember aspects of, but you cannot remember all the specifics.
Or you remember the specifics, but you don’t understand what is means.
All you know is there’s meaning there. Some part of you remembers.
If only you could remember or someone would help you remember, help you extract the message from the dream or the wisdom from what you saw.
Then you would know what you don’t know.
I’ve experienced this a lot in my life. I feel like I am constantly in a state of remembering, rediscovering things inside of myself I already know, but that I don’t know how I could know or don’t fully understand yet, even if it part of me sort of gets it.
I have only met a handful of people in my life who get this. Most of these people are air signs.
While many of you are probably thinking, “Huh? What do you mean you know something, but you don’t know what it is?”
Some of you are rejoicing, “I totally get it. What the hell does it mean?”
After years and years of having this bizarre experience I have come to understand that what you know that you don’t know is something repressed or it is a feeling or a gift that you don’t have the words to articulate yet. Whether it’s a feeling, a memory, knowledge, cellular memory, genetic memories, something in the ‘collective unconscious’ or past life memories (if you believe in that sort of thing), it’s definitely something out of the ordinary.
There is so much to a human being, to your experience on this earth and what mysteries and information are secretly locked in your DNA, your genetic memories, your own consciousness and the ‘collective consciousness’ as Jung speaks of, that what some of you know that you don’t know is something I invite you to open yourself to.
This brings me back to a memory where one night, my friend Paul Cooper and I began to talk about the nature of reality, what is really going on with men, and the wonders of this multifaceted existence.
Paul and I don’t have ‘normal’ conversations a lot of the time. We are too busy blowing our minds.
This particular night I decided to open up to Paul about past life memories I have of being a man. Just saying that aloud sounds a little silly, but hey, life is full of cosmic jokes. I believe in reincarnation, there I said it. Although I don’t know exactly how it works, whether the soul really travels from new life to new life or if our past lives are no more than a reflection of those who stood out and came before us, like some genetic memory. All I do know is there are certain things I came into this life knowing, having no idea why or how I knew such things. There are certain places I have never been that call to my soul.
As I sat there talking to Paul about this, I went into a bit of a trance. Paul had just showed me a video he had made talking to men, telling them to wake up. Paul and I are both crusaders on the path to awakeness. He and I both had to have the worst possible things happen to us in order for us to wake up and so we know that WAKING UP doesn’t happen with feathers and fairy dust. Both Paul and I lost our fathers at very young ages. Both of us could have remained unconscious, choosing a life of apathy and ‘piss life all to hell’ mentality, but once you know that kind of suffering, it takes a fool to want to stay in that suffering.
As I thought about men, my own experience, my own inner masculine and memories, something began to rise up inside of me I was afraid to let out. Our world, even our spiritual world, has gotten great at repressing emotions. And I was afraid if I spoke mine I would be crucified. What I had to say wasn’t pretty. It was laced in deep sorrow and pain. When I began to speak I had no idea what the hell Paul was going to do. I had to let this out, I had to let it come out in the voice that needed to be heard.
In the blink of a eye, full stream of consciousness, I expressed sadness, disappointment and anger towards what I have encountered with many men. Not ALL MEN for those of you who lack proper hearing skills. I opened up to him about how insane I think it is that men ever compete with women. I pretty much let it all come out, everything I truly held inside toward this subject of men that I have witnessed and seen since the time I was a girl. As Paul watched me transform into my inner masculine he didn’t shrink, like a lot of men do, he didn’t try to stop me or redirect my feelings, he allowed that repressed part of me to SPEAK.
In that moment I told Paul some things that would make most men feel very small. Just because the world has changed it doesn’t mean that men should ever forget their primary roles of protectors of women and children. I expressed pain over the gender wars, how I cannot fathom how so many men have lost their sense of honor and duty to themselves, women, children and the world. The apathy and giving up of younger generations is astounding. You can crucify me for having the balls to say it, you can think what you want of me, but what has happened to men that they would ever compete with women and not know that no matter what women throw at you, YOU ARE THE MAN?
I spoke this to Paul not as Kelly Marceau, I spoke this to him from a place of masculinity inside of me that is truly baffled by what I see in many men. It was the old world looking at the present, utterly thrown.
To say that what I shared with Paul didn’t affect him would be a lie, but how he handled it made me marvel at the man he is. Paul could have taken what I shared as a personal attack. He could have had a lot of reactions. I saw the pain in his face as the truth poured from my lips. He saw the truth in what I was saying. He saw it in himself and this world. Instead of him taking any of it personally, instead of him squashing my feelings with his own he did something no man has ever done for me.
He allowed his presence to be big enough to hold the magnitude of my feelings. HE REALLY LISTENED. He didn’t react. He didn’t try to silence me. And he didn’t hold space for me because he was afraid of me. Quite the contrary, he was brave enough and man enough to receive the pain I had uttered. There was truth in it.
For a man to witness me without cowering helped me to heal a wound I have been carrying around with me for God knows how long. His expansiveness helped me to realize that though that feeling was an aspect of what I was feeling it wasn’t a complete picture. I just needed to fully feel my anger and pain over what I have experienced and let it go and I don’t know if I would have been able to do it without being witnessed. Somehow Paul’s presence helped me to release an age old wound. Obviously shit has happened to men, obviously there are reasons, but the outcome is still a reality. As a result of letting myself feel my anger and rage over this particular issue it allowed me to see another spectrum of reality.
You see, reality is a kalediscope.
There are realities within realities, bigger realities on top of smaller realities with many sides, and when he received me, he allowed me, on my own, to get to that bigger picture. That place of empathy and compassion that is beyond just an aspect.
You see, the small is invalidated a lot in light of the bigger picture, but that isn’t how healing works. You can’t just jump, you have to fully feel through a feeling so you can release it, so you can understand it for what it is. When you hear someone rage and you fight them, you are harming their ability to heal. Sometimes all a person needs is to be heard, is to be received. Feelings have merit no matter if they are a whole picture or not.
Then Paul did something that blew my mind and heart wide open. He apologized to me for men in general and for the part of men that I spoke to that lives in him and somehow beyond anything I could have foreseen I felt so much peace in knowing that I could even share my pain with a man and be received.
I needed to be received, heard and for my pain over this to be okay.
Most men cannot handle women’s pain.
They go into fix it mode or it makes them feel super guilty or uncomfortable and they deflect, avoid, shut down.
Paul’s gift, his ability to be expansive in his individuality, his masculine, and to hold space for a woman to emote without reacting, and instead receiving is the kind of gift only a truly conscious man can extend.
It took me 37 years to find someone who could help me heal that part of myself that was too afraid to say those words aloud.
Often times when any woman speaks about her pain it is reacted to, backfired against, it triggers and there is no relief, no release, no healing.
You bottle it back down, where you keep your feelings private.
If your feelings don’t even get released, if you don’t ever get witnessed or validated in your pain, it is very hard to release it and let it go.
It is important for men to witness women. I know that every feminist in the world will think that I am disempowering women by saying women need to be witnessed by men, but it is true. Even the feminists are trying to get witnessed by men.
Most of you were supposed be witnessed by your fathers and if that didn’t happen, you search for it, needing to be wrapped in that masculine light and strength.
After Paul witnessed me I told him he had a gift and I wondered if he would be open to doing this for other women and seeing what happened.
Paul, of course was down, and he is now offering a woman’s circle where he will be the container for women to find that masculine witness needed for healing and understanding around male wounds.
If you are a woman, and this feels like something you need, please contact Paul at firstname.lastname@example.org or go to his website http://iampaulcooper.com. Paul’s been working with people for a year helping them understand their relationships but I believe his real gift is in his ability to hold space to witness and heal some of our deepest wounds. Paul’s more than happy to have a conversation with anyone who reaches out to him. Sometimes one conversation can change your life.
XO, Kelly Marceau
Note, there will be men who flip out over what I have said. It’s a fascinating study to watch as they personalize things I didn’t write to them personally.
If you have any questions about this post or you feel the need to talk to me or inquire more about Paul contact me at email@example.com
Sometimes men need a female witness and I do mentor as well and offer that space for men.